


The Haunting of the Rosebud Motel

by alchemise



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Gen, Ghosts, Hauntings, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2020-12-27 09:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21116837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemise/pseuds/alchemise
Summary: Stevie and David perform an exorcism.





	The Haunting of the Rosebud Motel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sholio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sholio/gifts).

"That room's not available." Stevie said it matter-of-factly. She'd done so only a few times in the past, on those rare occasions that the Rosebud, née Schitt's Creek Motel, actually sold out and was in a situation to turn away paying customers. She always turned them away from that room.

David was not deterred. "Look, I got this surprise thing for Patrick, and I need somewhere to hide it. A room so skeezy you won't even let this motel's guests in is perfect. He'll never look there."

"You're right about that. He'll definitely never look there."

"Yes, I know. A room that bad probably desperately needs to be remodeled."

"No. Because it's haunted." She left the "duh" unspoken. She wouldn't let even _that room_ impinge on her desire for sarcastic subtlety.

"Haunted?" David, in turn, kept the scarequotes unmarked in the air between them. It was one of the things she appreciated most about their friendship. "There's no such thing as a haunted room."

"Fine, go check it out yourself." Stevie pushed the key into his hand.

David held it at arm's length, like it might bite him. Knowing what was in the room it led to, Stevie wouldn't have been surprised if it did. "You're just going to let me go into a haunted room by myself?"

Grudgingly, Stevie replied, "No, I'm not," and grabbed the key back from him before coming out from around the counter and heading to the door. She knew she was going to regret this.

Two minutes later they were running out the door of a room so unmentionable that there wasn't even a number on it.

"Ew, what was that??" David looked like a combination of disgusted and horrified at what he'd seen. Although no more so than he looked at things like fast food chicken nuggets or hair products available for sale in the grocery store.

The ghost had barely shown itself—just a whispy ethereal glow floating over one bed and a sound like the wind whispering through a nonexistent forest.

It was pretty typical for what Stevie had seen of it in the past. "I told you it was haunted!"

"Well I didn't think you were actually serious! Especially considering there's no such thing as ghosts!" David was waving his hands around even more than usual, clearly trying to process what he'd just experienced.

"Well clearly there are."

"And what do we do about it??"

Stevie felt vague concern at David's apparent determination. "We leave it alone. Just like we've always done here. Nana Budd said it was part of the motel, and we just had to live with it." Sometimes tradition was there for a reason, and this was one that Stevie had never tried to fight.

David did not look satisfied. "That is not acceptable. One: that is a perfectly usable space I could hide Patrick's gift in. Two, and I cannot believe I am channeling my family here: wouldn't it make more business sense to get rid of the ghost and rent that room out?"

Stevie thought about it for a second. Even with the increase in business they'd had over the past few years (since the Rose's moved in, she had to admit), they'd rarely sold out the motel, but when they had, it would have been nice if there had been an additional room available. Plus, in spite of being haunted, she couldn't deny that the room was actually in better shape than any of the others. Apparently ghosts were better caretakers than their typical motel guests. That didn't surprise her at all.

She decided David was right. "Well, I've always wanted to try an exorcism."

David paused. "We will unpack that sentence at another time. Anyway, isn't that for demons or whatever?"

Stevie raised an eyebrow. "Who's to say this isn't a demon?"

"Okay, that's a compelling point. What do we need?"

Stevie ran through what she could remember of every movie exorcism she'd ever seen. "I don't know. A bible?"

David made a face. "What about a priest? Isn't that, like, their job?"

"Do you know any priests that would perform an exorcism for you?"

"No."

Okay, plan B: do it yourself. "We could try reading some Latin at it. Maybe burn some sage, sprinkle some holy water. Those are purifying, according to horror movies and New Age websites."

That was apparently good enough for David. He clapped his hands in confirmation. "Alright, you track down the ingredients. I'll get some Latin thing."

An hour later, Stevie studied the paper David handed her, as they put their plan together in the motel lobby. The paper looked strangely familiar. "Is this a Christmas carol?"

David shook his head no, while saying, "Yes?"

Stevie figured it had as good a chance of working as anything. She laid out the supplies she'd gathered on the table. The sage bundle had been easy enough to find, but the holy water had taken some work: of quick hands and an empty flask at the closest church.

"Is that booze?" David asked, as he picked up the last item she'd brought.

"Did you think I was going to do this sober?"

"No," David said, as he grabbed the bottle and took a swig, before passing it to her. There was no way this could possibly go wrong.

Ten minutes into the exorcism, it had clearly all gone wrong.

Stevie waved her burning sage around, while splashing holy water toward the ghostly form. David was reading—or rather, singing— the Christmas carol but kept mangling the Latin. They had both had perhaps a bit too much of the preparatory booze.

"En grege relicto! Humiles ad cunas! Vocati pastores adproperant!" David sang at the top of his lungs. Stevie had to admit that he was doing a pretty good job of staying in tune, even as he stumbled over the words.

"Holy shit!" Stevie shouted as the ghost charged them.

David looked taken aback, but oddly not afraid. "I don't think there's anything holy about that thing. It looks kind of sad, honestly." He paused, reflecting. "Although I would be too if I was stuck in this room. No offense."

Stevie ducked as the ghost made another pass near her. "None taken. I'm not the one who lives in the motel."

"Point."

David launched back into the carol, just as Stevie managed to spray the ghost right in its face with the holy water. The ghost shrieked and started shimmering like a TV stuck on a dead channel. Stevie cowered, expecting the worst, while David said, "Huh, I think there's something wrong with it."

Then the ghost exploded.

As they stumbled out of the room, stinking of burnt sage and soaked in ghost goo, they almost ran right into Alexis.

Who quickly took a step back. And then another step. "Ew. Why are you covered in slime?"

David panted for a minute, catching his breath. "Because we just exorcised a ghost!"

Stevie didn't have anything to add to that. They really had, though.

"Um, okay. Are you done now, or is there, like, more involved in all of this? Because, David, I thought we were going shopping in Elmdale today?"

Stevie walked away from them. The job was done. She'd clean up the newly available room tomorrow, or, better yet, get Johnny or Roland to do it. As she walked away, she could hear David and Alexis still planning their shopping trip.

"Yeah, I mean, sure. Let me just take a quick shower. How do you get ectoplasm out of your hair, anyway?"

"Ew, David. I don't know, try an apple cider vinegar rinse. It worked when I got werewolf guts in my hair in Mogadishu."

Stevie tuned them out after that but made a note to herself to grab some apple cider vinegar on the way to the shower.


End file.
